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I try to put off sex as long as possible — it seems that having sex when I do not know how the relationship will go ends up misleading the woman (no matter what I say) and causing a fair amount of pain on both sides. On the other hand, I've been alone for some time and really want a warm, caring and sexually exciting relationship.
Perhaps most of all, I do not want to put that relationship on a marriage track early on. When I try to be honest, women seem confused and upset, and I'm thinking I should stop going overboard with the honesty. This problem seems even more intense when I date (older) women who sense their clock ticking or are just incredibly lonely and anxious (understatement of the year) to get married.
I have a terrible fear of hurting somebody (or myself?). Should I just try to hit singles bars or date younger, noncommittal women? —K.S.
I think you should hit the standup circuit with that definition of conservative: You want sex with no strings attached, but these desperate old chicks keep pressuring you to commit. (I took the liberty of condensing.)
Maybe you don't realize how patronizing you sound; you get some leeway because you do seem to have a conscience. But then the remedies you seem to be weighing for your problem — less honesty or more promiscuous chicks — are leeway killers. Especially when you consider that the former brings more pain, not less, and the latter simply brings it to women who are arguably more vulnerable than the ones you date now.
To be fair, you're quite old-fashioned in one way: You want everything for nothing. There's a whole worldful of humans in a position to be sympathetic to that — if you would only stop harping on what a righteous guy you are and start being honest, with yourself, about what you really want.
And, more important, about what that desire entails: You either go for your sexual gratification fully aware that pain is involved, or you decide that even a deep well of frustration is still better than inflicting pain. Your call.
HI, CAROLYN: I met this really great guy and proceeded to do all the dumb things I know I shouldn't, including wanting to spend as much time with him as possible, wanting frequent phone calls and sleeping with him too soon. Luckily, this hasn't sent him packing (he's extremely laid-back and mature), but I want to back up and back off.
Can I feasibly pretend the last three weeks never happened, stop sleeping with him and still salvage a friendship? Or should I give up and try my new plan with someone who hasn't seen me act stupid? — Whoa Nelly
And squander someone who has seen you act so stupid and stayed? What a waste.
Don't pretend anything. The last three weeks happened. Tell him you feel like you got carried away, and ask how he'd feel if you hauled yourself back. Uphill, granted, but worth a try nonetheless.
DEAR CAROLYN: My boyfriend of two years just broke up with me because I was unsure if I wanted children. He is very sure he wants a family, and he wants it soon. I want to do, learn and be so much more before I am saddled with children. I want this both for myself and to be a better mother. My boyfriend contends that, at 27 and as a financially secure professional, I should — and deep down do — know whether I want to be a mom. He contends that my continued indecision is a sign that I don't want children.
I feel I have been rejected unfairly, for a choice I have not been given the chance to make. Part of me thinks I do want children but am too scared of the burden to admit it. I don't think I could tell him this because I don't think I can forgive him for this seemingly very personal rejection/dumping, which I feel was based on the person that I am and the values that I hold.
I am at a loss for what to do: Should I try to get him to be more patient with me (which would require some concession about children on my part); should I try to pull myself out of the pool of bitterness in which I am drowning, and move on; or is there a better option? — Atlanta
Your story reads to me as one of the more impersonal dumpings I've come across. It's not about your intellect or sense of humor, your warmth, your sensitivity, your worthiness as a person, your goofy laugh/snoring issues/complete ineptitude with chopsticks. It's a lifestyle thing. He's ready for one that you're not.
If I were reading the same tea leaves, I don't think I'd see the same message your boyfriend did, that you don't want kids or even should know anything yet. Wrong and presumptuous. You are undecided. I believe you, and that means you could want kids in a year, or five or 10. Or never, of course.
However, I applaud his decision not only to read those tea leaves, but also to act on what he perceived. He had to. The alternative was to doubt and wait and see and doubt and wait and see and wonder what he was supposed to tell you in the meantime. He tells you he's thinking of leaving over the kid issue, and he risks getting a gunpoint-mom for his kids; he doesn't tell you, and unfairly keeps secrets from you.
That's the long explanation. The short version is: saddled. Boom. A one-word case for the guy.
There's simply no insult in wanting different things out of life. You seem hell-bent on finding one — that's an impressive lather you've worked up, by any standards — but if anything, he's showing more respect for all those things you want to do, learn and be than you are. He's treating them as ideals you won't concede to be with him. If they're really indicative of the person you are and the values you hold, shouldn't you treat those ideals the same way?
DEAR CAROLYN: My wife and I (34 and 33) are still not sure whether to have a child.
I'm at about 85 percent, she's at 75 percent or so — don't ask me how I came up with these figures — and I don't think those numbers are going any higher. Do you think we shouldn't have kids unless we're at 100 percent? My feeling is that there's no way to be absolutely sure you can handle it until you try, but by then of course it's too late to turn back. — Jakarta, Indonesia
I'm not sure there is a 100 percent. But at the same time, accepting anything less than that makes me uncomfortable, too. What I'd suggest for both of you is to go at it the other way: Tell yourselves, OK, no kids — then see how that sits with you. I've found that's a less tortuous path to clarity. Good luck.
CAROLYN: My wife is refusing to have sex with me. She says her life is just too stressful right now. We have a 1-year-old son, and she is a stay-at-home mom. She says I am just one more demand in her life so she has decided to give up that part of our relationship until things get better. I don't know when it will get better. Life is always stressful with a young child. Do you have any insight on how to handle the situation? — Demanding
Find out exactly what you can do to make her life less stressful, and do it. Nights off? A housekeeper? A standing date night for just the two of you? Time to become one more thing that makes her life easier.
CAROLYN HAX is a columnist for The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW, Washington, D.C. 20071.
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